Thursday, November 7, 2013

And then the teenage boy thought I was pregnant

Wake up calls come when you least expect them. Like, in the middle of a perfect grown up only vacation when you want to take home a souvenir sweatshirt and the biggest size they have isn't big enough. And you cry (and say a silent prayer of thanksgiving that you're wearing big sunglasses) as your family tries to make it better by talking about how sizing is weird and sometimes your teeny tiny soon to be sister in law takes a MEDIUM in stuff.

And then you shake it off as best you can and try to enjoy the rest of the trip. And you have a lovely dinner with your amazing husband (who agrees to try a cheese plate because he knows it will make you happy). And you're on the bus back to the hotel, standing room only, and a teenage boy kindly offers his seat, and gestures to your...pregnant belly. Except you're not.

And God that sucked. Don't get me wrong, the trip was amazing. The time away was exactly what I needed, what we both needed. We got to be grown ups, husband and wife. We enjoyed spending time with each other and with some of my family. We came home refreshed and ready to see our little dudes. But those moments started something inside me.

The reality is I have made zero progress on the weight loss front in the past year. I have followed the WW plan sometimes, but I've made many excuses. I've allowed myself many MANY cheats. I've manipulated the system. I've made excuses and told myself I was entitled to things because my boys don't sleep and because my husband travels. I've made too many trips through the drive thru. I've become too reliant on caffeine. I have wasted a year.

I can't waste more time. I had a meltdown/panic attack earlier this week that lead to the following realization: I have lost my self confidence. I used to be really good at making decisions. I used to trust my gut. I don't know when that changed, but confidence has been replaced by fear. I am afraid to do the wrong thing, to make the wrong choice. I am afraid to physically push myself (what if I get hurt?) I am afraid to stand up for myself (what if people don't like what I have to say?) I am afraid to ask for what I need and admit that maybe I don't have my shit together.

So, what now?

(I don't know. I've sat here staring at the screen for 5 minutes trying to figure out what to write next)

Changes are happening for me. I'm working on it. I've been to the Y for the past 4 days. I've been aware of everything I have put in my mouth. I'm making decisions. I don't know if they're the right ones, but I am trying to not let the fear of being wrong keep me from doing anything.

We'll see.

2 comments:

Mara said...

I think that this post is pretty brave and pretty incredible. And I think that if you can start here, by sharing your feelings with the world, that maybe you can do it inside too. Sending many hugs as I too know this struggle too well.
xx.

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